What will they do if you forged checks for thousands and flee the country? Fan Submission

This is a rather complicated question because it begs the question of who 'they' are. Assuming 'they' is the FBI then you should be alright. Granted, the FBI will open a file on you, interview your friends, detain your mother hoping she'll disclose your whereabouts, waterboard her, etc. Then, after refusing to divulge information about your whereabouts, she'll be shipped to Guantanamo Bay, which fortunately hasn't closed yet. The joke is clearly on the FBI though; you obviously have no intention of sharing your conspiracy with the woman who birthed you. At some point the FBI will forward your information to the CIA, but by that time you'll be long gone. I suggest you hide out in Pakistan, that country seems to have a high success rate for evading US intelligence.

Assuming 'they' refers to the Jews*, who run all major financial institutions, you'll probably be okay also. Jews don't take personal checks.


Note from Mr. Green: Please take it under advisement that both Mr. Red and I are jews, and that we will indeed hunt you down and kill you. We both also find certain jew jokes funny, don't try us too hard though. Read more!

How did Percy Lebron Spencer die? Fan Submission

Excellent question! The case of Percy Lebron Spencer is perhaps
the most interesting in all examples of stigmatic twins (other cases
include Abraham Lincoln’s lesser known brother Fred and Anne Frank’s
German collaborator sister Nancy). The problem of stigmatic twins
(twins who feel each other’s pain, for the lay person) was largely
unknown until Lindsay Lohan’s recent film (based on true events) I
Know Who Killed Me (IKWKM). This film brought to light the medical
establishment’s inability to deal with this growing problem (the film
has also started a strong global movements for the rights of stigmatic
twins). Percy and his brother Lionel were separated at birth and led
radically separate lives. But on the night of May 22, 1968, Lionel
was killed in the Student riots that erupted across Paris. These
riots proved inconvenient for Percy who’s family was forced to watch
him be beaten by mysterious forces while enjoying a quiet dinner with
his wife and children. Percy’s death was covered up by his
conservative in-laws because inexplicable flailing was considered a
symptom of homosexuality at the time. Read more!

How can you tell if you have IBS? Fan Edition

IBS or irritable bowel syndrome is a very serious ailment. Usually you can't tell whether IBS has gotten to you or not. Maybe your stomach makes a gurgle noise or more of a mumbbly bumbbly bumbbly sound, but you're in for a world of hurt. You may have to lie down for a bit, maybe steady your legs, but the second you feel okay and attempt to stand, you'll be back in bed holding your gut like you just got knife-wrenched. Next, you'll find yourself with your best friend toilet bowl. Get to know him, you'll be together a while. As you feel the "pressure" building and begin passing towards the back, you may need a wet towel or at least a hand gun if you're one of the weak ones that can't take the sh*t storm you await. When you hear an explosion, you'll know you're about to start. At first it'll just be smelly liquids pouring out of you, followed by objects you've swallowed, babies you forgot you were pregnant with, and lastly the organs that keep you alive. The kidneys fall out of you very quickly and blast your colon out like an artillery shell kissing a baby bunny. Usually followed by most of your small intestines. At this point you are probably preparing to use that handgun. If you don't, and I advise you do, it's not getting any better. IBS is 3 on my top ten ways to die following drawing and quartering and the 24 hour Tony Danza marathon. Read more!

Fan Submission 8-27-09

What are the names of Zack and Cody on the show suite life on deck?

Today parents are becoming more and more irresponsible when it comes to what our children watch these days. Children are being brainwashed by shows like That's So Raven and the like. To answer your question, their real names are actually Muhkahara Naki and Shimbaba Flimflam, two Muslim extremists with a history that's been swept under the rug. Trying to lead normal American lives, they are closely monitored by the FCC, CIA, MIB, NAACP, and the Black Panthers. None of them bother to actually view the program or otherwise they would have put a stop to the madness a long time ago. Read more!