How can you tell if you have IBS? Fan Edition

IBS or irritable bowel syndrome is a very serious ailment. Usually you can't tell whether IBS has gotten to you or not. Maybe your stomach makes a gurgle noise or more of a mumbbly bumbbly bumbbly sound, but you're in for a world of hurt. You may have to lie down for a bit, maybe steady your legs, but the second you feel okay and attempt to stand, you'll be back in bed holding your gut like you just got knife-wrenched. Next, you'll find yourself with your best friend toilet bowl. Get to know him, you'll be together a while. As you feel the "pressure" building and begin passing towards the back, you may need a wet towel or at least a hand gun if you're one of the weak ones that can't take the sh*t storm you await. When you hear an explosion, you'll know you're about to start. At first it'll just be smelly liquids pouring out of you, followed by objects you've swallowed, babies you forgot you were pregnant with, and lastly the organs that keep you alive. The kidneys fall out of you very quickly and blast your colon out like an artillery shell kissing a baby bunny. Usually followed by most of your small intestines. At this point you are probably preparing to use that handgun. If you don't, and I advise you do, it's not getting any better. IBS is 3 on my top ten ways to die following drawing and quartering and the 24 hour Tony Danza marathon. Read more!

Bleed after poop?

As is mostly the case, our answers get taken down to get answered legitimately, one would hope. But, this is a follow up that I couldn't resist sharing. None of us did this, it happened on its own.

A: You could have bowel cancer, so you should really go to your doctor and get it checked out.

Now, I know my answer originally was silly, but, at least I didn't tell the poor grammatically retarded person asking the question that they had bowel cancer, that's just mean. Read more!

Bleed after poop?

Bleed after poop was a common practice during the Dark Ages of Europe in which people who were thought to be possessed by fey, better known today as the fairy people, were expunged of their woes. The fairy usually was thought to have flown into boisterous people's mouths while they were bragging and as such, would spread fairy dust into their blood breeding more fairies while they made their escape in the person's poop the next day. It was thought that this would create a devastating cycle where fairies would keep being born in people's blood and move to their stomachs to spread more dust before escaping eventually making the person become more and more obese until they exploded. The solution was invented by Italian alchemist Verde Poppa after he believed his nagging, fattening wife to be infected. The process involved strapping a person to a bucket which the person would poop in then be immediately instructed to clench their anus as tightly as possible in order to prevent the fairy from escaping back from where they came. The next step was to set the bucket on fire while simultaneously slitting the patients wrist horizontally. By letting out profuse amounts of blood it was thought you could purge enough fairy dust as to prevent the next generation of fairies being born. While this process was painful, it actually had a fairly high success rate as after being performed it usually killed its patient and as autopsies would show, had eliminated any fairy in the person's bowels. In the end, fairies were hunted nearly to extinction and today the only live colonies left on Earth can be found in Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O'Donnell. Read more!

How do squid do poop?

Few realize this, but, squid do not actually have tentacles, they are rather squid turds stuck in fleshy membranes. This is why you can't count the tentacles a squid has because it varies from specimen to specimen based on how recently they defecated. Keep in mind that this also explains why squid hold the record for the longest single stretch of turd known to man, because a giant squid is capable of mind shatteringly long turds of over 40 feet in length. This is also what gives calimari its distinctive tang. Read more!